I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
