He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
