I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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