Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
