Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
