Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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