dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I am in a vortex of obligation.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
