I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
