Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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