Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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