I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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