Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
