I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
