doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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