I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
