I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
