I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
