he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
