Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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