loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
