Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
