We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
