I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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