You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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