I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
