got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
