The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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