i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
