3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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