Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
