I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
