hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
