There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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