Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
