Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
