I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
