your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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