now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
