Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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