I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Randomize
