We got so high we made milksteak
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Randomize
