PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
