That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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