I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
