My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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