dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
