you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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