his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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