I faked an abortion last night.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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