i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
