someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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