Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Barsexuality is the new black.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
